Aeris the Tifa
by Carbuncle
Summary: Fans of Aeris and/or Tifa will LOVE this fic (or hate it). Aeris becomes depressed about her body.


FINAL FANTASY VII  
  
Aeris the Tifa  
  
(open to the Costa del Sol. Cloud, Tifa and Aeris are all down on the beach. Cloud is wearing a pair of purple shorts; Tifa is wearing a dark blue bikini; and Aeris is wearing a bright pink bikini)  
Tifa: Oh, it is just sooo hot today!  
Cloud: Not as hot as you, Tifa.  
Tifa: What was that, Cloud? Did you say something?  
Cloud: Uh... no! I didn't say anything, right Aeris?  
Aeris: That is correct.  
Cloud: (to Tifa) So y'see?  
Tifa: Hmm, okay. Well I'm going for a swim.  
Cloud: Yeah, I'll come too!  
(they both run off into the sea)  
Aeris: (voice over) Look at them. It's like they don't even notice I'm here. And Cloud... all he ever talks about lately is Tifa, Tifa, Tifa... that and "Midgar's Funniest Home Videos". Well I'm sick of it. Why should Tifa get all the attention? Why should Tifa be the one on every teenage boys' mind while they jack off? Why should Tifa get the best set of hooters this side of Junon?! And why should Tifa get Cloud?! (sigh) Y'know, some people think I hate her, but I don't. I love Tifa. Well, not in the gay sort of way. I mean as a friend. She's the best friend I could ever have. But its just not fair that she should be so darn attractive! I can't go on living like this. I have to do something about it.  
Tifa: (offscreen) Hey Aeris, come on in! The water's great!  
Aeris: Uh... I have to take care of something first. I'll see you later.  
(she runs off)  
Cloud: Hmm, I wonder what's wrong with her?  
Tifa: ...I'm sure its nothing. Come on, Cloud. See if you can catch me.  
Cloud: Ooh, okay!  
  
(cut to Nibelheim. Aeris enters Tim's Rhinoplasty)  
Aeris: Ah, at last I'm here.  
Receptionist: Hello, welcome to Tim's Rhinoplasty. How can I help you?  
Aeris: Hi. I'd like to get plastic surgery please. I want to have my-  
Receptionist: (interrupting) Lady, save it for the plastic surgeon, okay?!  
(she takes a seat)  
Aeris: (sigh) I hope I don't have to wait too long.  
????: (offscreen) Aeris?! What are you doing here?!  
Aeris: What the? Vincent...? Is that you?!  
(Vincent is sat beside her)  
Aeris: Are you here for plastic sugery too?  
Vincent: No! No, I am not! I do not care what you have heard! I am just here to take shelter from the rain!  
Aeris: What are you talking about?! It's over 110 degrees out there!  
Vincent: Urgh...  
Receptionist: Mr. Valentine, the surgeon is ready to take a look at your nose now.  
Vincent: What?! I-I did not ask to see a surgeon!  
Receptionist: You booked an appointment three days ago, sir.  
Vincent: What?! No! I have never seen you before in my life! I-I... Argh!  
(he jumps out of the window)  
Aeris: Whoa!  
Receptionist: (to Aeris) Hmm, well, it looks like you can go through to see the surgeon now.  
  
(cut to the surgeon's office. The plastic surgeon, Tim, is sitting at his desk. Aeris walks in)  
Tim: Oh, hello! You must be... Mister Vincent Valentine?  
Aeris: Uh... no. My name is Aeris Gainsborough. I'd like to get some plastic surgery please.  
Tim: Oh, really? And what part of your anatomy needs that extra 'lift' then?  
Aeris: I'm kind of depressed about the size of my... boobies, and I was wondering if there's anything you could do to make them... larger?  
Tim: I see. Well how large would you like to be?  
Aeris: Uh... the same size as Tifa. No, wait... bigger than Tifa.  
Tim: Tifa...?  
Aeris: Tifa Lockheart.  
Tim: Tifa Lockheart...?  
Aeris: You've never heard of her?  
Tim: No, I can't say that I have.  
Aeris: (to herself) Damn, then I guess her titties ARE real...  
Tim: Ms. Gainsborough, I must ask: are you absolutely positive that you want to go through with this operation?  
Aeris: ...Yes! Yes I am!  
Tim: Alrighty then. Let's get started. If you'd like to hop up on the table for me.  
  
(cut to the Costa del Sol. Cloud, Tifa and Barrett are all sitting in Cloud's villa)  
Barrett: Whoo! It sure is hot out today!  
Cloud: Yep.  
Tifa: Uh huh. I think I may even need to remove my bikini. You guys don't mind, do you?  
Barrett: Damn right we mind, right Cloud?!  
Cloud: Huh? Uh, I mean, yeah! You can't just go strutin' around in the nude in front of us!  
Barrett: Yeah! You tell her, Cloud!  
Tifa: Okay, okay, chill out! I was just joking!  
(Aeris enters the room. She has much bigger, uh, assets)  
Cloud: Hot damn! Aeris, you look kind of different, baby! Did you get a hair cut or something?!  
Aeris: No Cloud, but thanks for noticing.  
(she sits down)  
Barrett: #@$%, there's sumthin' not quite right here!  
Tifa: Aeris... did-did you get plastic surgery?  
Aeris: I don't know what you're talking about, Tifa.  
Tifa: Its just you seem a little... bigger around the chest area.  
Aeris: I do? Hmm, what do you think, Cloud?  
(she looks over at Cloud. He is drooling like an animal)  
Cloud: Uhhh...  
Aeris: Cloud?  
Cloud: My pants feel funny...  
Tifa: Cloud?!  
(Cloud cannot stop staring at Aeris's melons)  
Barrett: Aw, that does it! I'm goin' out for a while!  
(he gets up and leaves)  
Tifa: (voice over) What the heck is wrong with Cloud? (pause) Perhaps it has something to do with Aeris's new look...? (gasp) Oh my gosh! You have to act fast here, Tifa!  
(she gets up and leaves the room)  
Aeris: So Cloud, what do you think of me now?  
Cloud: Y-You're beautiful, Aeris! L-Like a goddess, I'm sure!  
Aeris: Why thank you, Cloud. You're not too bad yourself.  
Cloud: C-Can I touch your bre-  
Tifa: (offscreen) Oh, Cloud!  
Cloud: Huh?  
(he turns around to see Tifa standing behind him. She is wearing her normal outfit (the sexy one))  
Cloud: Holy crap! (Carbuncle: Yeah, I use that catchphrase an awful lot too. I always put it in my fics aswell.)  
Tifa: Hi Cloud. Lookin' good.  
(Cloud begins to drool. Aeris grumbles under her breath and walks off)  
Tifa: (innocently) What's the matter, Cloud?  
Cloud: You know, Tifa, I always love it when you wear that outfit.  
Tifa: And why is that?  
Cloud: Aside from the fact that it makes you look really hot, it reminds me of the time that we were reunited at 7th Heaven. Want to know what I want to do right now?  
Tifa: I think I can guess but say it anyway.  
Cloud: I wanna-hey no! This is where I stop with the quotes from that other fic, otherwise we'll have to raise the rating!  
Tifa: What ARE you talking about, Cloud? What's a fic?  
Cloud: Huh? (pause) I have no idea why I just said that. Where were we?  
Tifa: (sigh) I'm going to my room.  
Cloud: Hey, this is my villa, not yours. You don't have a room here.  
Tifa: Oh yeah. Force of habit.  
  
(cut to the beach. Aeris is sitting on the sand)  
Aeris: It didn't work. He still prefered Tifa over me. But why? Why?! Why?!?!  
(she thinks back. A flashback begins)  
Aeris: So Cloud, what do you think of me now?  
Cloud: Y-You're beautiful, Aeris! L-Like a goddess, I'm sure!  
Aeris: Why thank you, Cloud. You're not too bad yourself.  
Cloud: C-Can I touch your bre-  
Tifa: (interrupting) Oh, Cloud!  
Cloud: Huh?  
(he turns around to see Tifa standing behind him. She is wearing her normal outfit)  
Cloud: Holy crap!  
Tifa: Hi Cloud. Lookin' good.  
(Cloud begins to drool. The flashback ends)  
Aeris: Wait a minute...  
(she thinks back. A flashback begins)  
Cloud: C-Can I touch your bre-  
Tifa: (interrupting) Oh, Cloud!  
Cloud: Huh?  
(he turns around to see Tifa standing behind him. She is wearing her normal outfit)  
Cloud: Holy crap!  
Tifa: Hi Cloud. Lookin' good.  
(Cloud begins to drool. The flashback ends)  
Aeris: I'm definitely on to something here...  
(she thinks back. A flashback begins)  
Cloud: Huh?  
(he turns around to see Tifa standing behind him. She is wearing her normal outfit)  
Cloud: Holy crap!  
Tifa: Hi Cloud. Lookin' good.  
(Cloud begins to drool. The flashback ends)  
Aeris: Ah ha! I finally figured it out! Cloud didn't get turned on by Tifa - he got turned on by her outfit!  
  
(cut to Midgar. Aeris is shopping around in Wall Market. She walks into the dress store from the game)  
Shop Assistant: Hello. Can I help you?  
Aeris: Yes. I would like to get an outfit identical to that of Tifa Lockheart.  
Shop Assistant: Tifa Lockheart?  
Aeris: She works over at 7th Heaven.  
Shop Assistant: Oh, her! Well I'm sorry. But Tifa's outfit is one of a kind, I'm afraid.  
Aeris: Oh drat!  
Shop Assistant: But could I interest you in another outfit? (she holds up a bright yellow dress) This dress is worn by the famous Selphie Tilmitt: Trabia/Balamb Garden Student with Spunky Fresh Attitude!  
Aeris: She's the chick thats in all those weird Final Fantasy VIII fics, right?  
Shop Assistant: Correct!  
Aeris: Have you ever read that one about her tampons?  
Shop Assistant: (giggles) Oh yes!  
Aeris: Gee, the author of that fic must have some real emotional problems...  
Shop Assistant: Do you want the dress or not?  
Aeris: Sure I'll-hey, hold on a second! I just remembered something! I already HAVE an outfit identical to Tifa's!  
Shop Assistant: You do?  
Aeris: Yeah! She bought one for me for my 23rd birthday! (read "A Countdown To Aeris" for more info)  
Shop Assistant: So am I to take it that you don't want this dress?  
Aeris: You're exactly right. Put it back in the trash where it belongs.  
  
(cut to the Costa del Sol. Cloud and Tifa are both sitting in Cloud's villa)  
Cloud: I wonder what's on TV tonight...?  
Tifa: Probably more re-runs of "Amazing Aeris".  
Cloud: Yeah, why did they stop making new episodes of that show anyway?  
Tifa: I'm sure I don't know.  
(Aeris enters the room. This time she is dressed exactly like Tifa, complete with her new boobies, of course)  
Cloud: Wow! Damn, damn!!  
Aeris: Hi Cloud. Hi Tifa.  
(she sits down next to Cloud)  
Tifa: Aeris... why are you dressed like that?!  
Aeris: Don't you approve, Tifa?  
Tifa: You're damn right I don't approve! You can't go out dressed like that! You'll attract all sorts of trouble!  
Aeris: Oh, I'll be fine! What do you think, Cloud? Do you like my new outfit?  
Cloud: (drools) I-I've died and gone to heaven! Someone shoot me now! I can't take this kind of heavenly treatment!  
Tifa: Oh, God!  
(she gets up and leaves)  
Aeris: What do you like best about my new look, Cloud?  
Cloud: It-It really brings out the Tifa Lockheart in you!  
Aeris: Thank yo-huh? (pause) I have to go.  
(she leaves)  
Cloud: (to himself) Damn, nice goin', Cloud!  
  
(cut to the beach. Aeris is sitting on the sand)  
Aeris: (mocking Cloud) "It really brings out the Tifa Lockheart in you!" (sigh) I guess Cloud didn't care for me at all. He just acted that way 'cause he saw Tifa in me. What've I done to myself?! This outfit... These boobs... They're not me. I feel so out of character. I guess there's only one thing left to do...  
  
(cut to Nibelheim. Aeris is sat inside Tim's Rhinoplasty. She is in Tim's office with the sugeon)  
Aeris: Tim, I want you to make my titties even bigger!  
Tim: What?! Bigger than those?! I'm not sure I can go any bigger, baby!  
Aeris: You have to! I need bigger boobs! These aren't good enough! They're not the kind for me!  
Tim: Ms. Gainsborough... I must warn you: if I continue to enlarge your breasts like this then there are going to be risks. You could-  
Aeris: (interrupting) Look, I don't care about the risks, okay?! Now are you going to enlarge my breasts again or not?!  
Tim: ...All right. If you'd like to get up onto the table.  
  
(cut to the Costa del Sol. Cloud and Tifa are both inside Cloud's villa)  
Tifa: Okay Cloud, are you ready?  
Cloud: You bet I am! (pause) Ready for what?  
Tifa: We're going swimming, silly! Don't you remember?  
Cloud: Oh yeah. That explains why I'm wearin' my swimming trunks.  
(they are about to leave when Aeris walks in. Her boobies are now huge)  
Cloud: Oh my God! Aeris, is that you?!  
Aeris: Hi Cloud.  
Tifa: My God! What have you done to yourself, Aeris?!  
Aeris: Where are you two going?  
Cloud: We're goin' swimming down at the beach. You wanna come?  
Aeris: Does the Pope crap in the woods?  
(Cloud and Tifa stare blankly)  
Aeris: Nevermind. Sure. I'll come.  
  
(cut to the beach. Cloud, Tifa and Aeris are all standing in the shallow water)  
Aeris: Mmm, that feels good, Cloud.  
Cloud: What? I'm not doin' anything!  
Aeris: You're not?! Then whose hand is on my...?  
(she turns around to see a teenage boy behind her)  
Aeris: Hey, get your hands off my titties! I know they're huge, but that still doesn't give you the right to touch 'em! I can still feel your hands on them even though you're all the way over there, smart ass!  
(the teenager swims off giggling)  
Aeris: Hmph, some people! Why can't teenagers keep their hands to themselves! God, show them a pair of titties and they just HAVE to go around and take a squeeze!  
Tifa: Urgh, um, I'm going for a little swim. You comin' Cloud?  
Cloud: Sure. I'd love too.  
(they start to swim off)  
Aeris: Uh, I'll come too!  
Tifa: ...Okay Aeris.  
(they all swim off into the deep)  
Aeris: W-Whoo! Getting kind of tired!  
Tifa: Yeah, you don't look too good, Aeris. Perhaps you should go back to the shore and take a rest.  
Aeris: No way! I'm fine now!  
Cloud: Aeris, go back to the shore. Please.  
Aeris: No!  
Cloud: All right. Don't say we didn't warn you.  
(they swim even further out to sea)  
Aeris: Uh, I-I can't do it anymore! I can't keep up!  
Cloud: Then go back!  
Tifa: Come on, Aeris. Listen to your friends!  
Aeris: I-I feel SO heavy! Too much weight!  
(the weight of her titties pull her under the water. She sinks to the bottom)  
Tifa: Oh my God, they killed Aeris!  
Cloud: You beasts!  
Tifa: Well, that'll teach her to get breast implants, won't it?  
Cloud: ...Show some sympathy, Tifa. The poor girl has just died.  
Tifa: And let God have mercy on her soul.  
Cloud: I've had enough of the water. Let's go and lie on the beach.  
Tifa: Good idea.  
  
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THE END__________  
  
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End file.
